weary.

My mom, dad, the boys and I all piled into my car last night and started back on the road to Arkansas.

this was COZY.  I'm considering a mini-van after this trip. for the love.  

I decided to scroll through FB while we drove and was shocked as I started to read about announcements that had been made by the American Embassy in S's country {yes, facebook is my primary news source these days. don't judge}. I immediately reached out to our agency and they confirmed that the announcement was made and changes were coming.

Unknowns and uncertainty swirled. I felt like the air had been sucked out of the car as I contemplated what the changes meant for our little family. 

Finally, our agency sent out this announcement this morning {I've omitted country references for privacy reasons on this public blog until we have her home}:

"...The US Embassy Deputy Chief of Missions, in honor of a team from Washington led by the chief of the Office of children's issues on Intercountry adoptions, held a meeting with adoption professionals in --- a few days ago. 

From this meeting it was shared that for the year 2012, 200 ----- children were adopted to families in the USA. This is up from a little over 10 children in 2010.  For the team, this increase raises a number of questions. They said their mission is to garner an understanding on how the adoption process works in the ---.

As part of these discussions they stated that to avoid any issues of fraud, the Embassy will have to be more thorough in their investigations; which they suspect are on the rise.  As a result, we heard yesterday that adoptive families should anticipate a 3 to 6 month lag time from the I-600 submission until the visa is issued..."

While I'm always thankful for any prevention of fraud or corruption in the adoption world, this seems like a blanket time frame that isn't justified for all cases. 

For us, this announcement means that we do not know if S will come home THIS year. The i-600 submission to Visa process was taking an average of two weeks. Now, we are told to anticipate 3-6 months. It's only February 1st. And, yet, here we are, wondering if she will be home with us in 2013. 

I have so much to say on this subject but my mind is overwhelmed with processing everything and lack of sleep. The one word to describe how I feel right at this moment is weary. 

Please do not mistake me. I am still hopeful. I still know full well that my God is mighty and can move mountains to bring our girl home. I still know that He has power over all governments and authorties. I still know that He is faithful. I still know that He is only good. 

Yet, my momma heart is tired. I'm weary of this road. I'm aching to hold the precious one that I've fallen madly in love with. I want to see a light shining in her big, sad, round eyes. I want to see her smile. I want to know if her cheeks have dimples. I want to know that her belly is full. I want to know that she is safe. I want to kiss her scrumptious cheeks. I want to rock her when she cries. 

I know without a doubt that God is at work here in every little detail. I know full well that He had me change my original plans of attending Created for Care in March so that I could attend last weekend's retreat. He had me there to prepare my heart for this battle for our girl. He reminded me that He is going before me. He showed me that He sees me and He sees S. He hears both of our cries. He is fighting a spiritual battle and working on our behalf.

And, He built up my army of warrior mommas last weekend. 

my precious AGCI family...no words to describe these amazing women.
next year, we should take our group pictures at another time other than late, late at night in pj's. details. :)

Oh, these mommas. I am overwhelmed and humbled and in awe of how they have rallied around our little family. These mommas are storming the gates of Heaven on behalf of our girl. They are putting on their armor and joining us in this battle. We are not alone. 

I am thankful for the words, the prayers, the texts, the phone calls, the emails, the voicemails... the encouragement and love has poured over me like a mighty flood. A beautiful story is unfolding. I can feel it in my bones. 

I don't know where we will walk on this road. I don't know how hard things will get. I don't know how we will scale the mountains looming ahead. Yet, I do know that God called us to fight for our girl. 

I don't necessarily believe that this is God's perfect plan. 

I'm sorry, I know that goes against a lot of what I should believe. 

I just can't believe that. 

I can't rest believing that my mighty, powerful, loving, tender, trustworthy, Abba Father would EVER want our precious little one to suffer such deep and profound loss in the first place. I can't rest believing that He would EVER want her to wait in an orphanage without safe, clean water or beds with mattresses or food to fill her tiny belly. I can't rest believing He would EVER want her anywhere but in the arms of a family covering her in love and pointing her to Him. 

I DO believe that He is grieving alongside us. I DO believe He placed her in our family in order to restore what has been broken. This world is not a safe place. This world is full of corruption and lies and brokenness. 

My God is NOT a puppeteer. He doesn't orchestrate every one of our days or move our lives like pieces in a chess game. He gives us free will. Yet, He is there all the while. He is there when we mess up and when we make the wrong choices. He holds us as we grieve loss and as we cry out in pain. He holds us close and never, ever lets us go. He loves us and turns scary, broken, heart-wrenching stories into beautiful examples of His love. He redeems the brokenness of this world. That is His promise. 

All that to say that I know He does have a plan for our family and a beautiful plan for our S. I know He is at work and I know His timing is always perfect. I just don't believe that the losses and the extended time spent in an orphanage were part of the original plan for our S. I do believe that He knew this would all unfold all along. He isn't surprised by any of this. He has planned for this redemption story since the beginning of time. Yet, His perfect plan would have never have included such brokenness in the first place.

Is anyone still following me here? Am I making any sense? I hope that you can hear my heart here. I hope you can understand that I do believe my King of Kings is at work. I do believe He has placed this fierce love in our hearts for our girl. I do believe He wants my boys to dote on their sister. I do believe that these boys who are "protecting" S's new dolls for her while we wait {and not letting said dolls leave their sight} will cover their sister with powerful sibling love. 

please ignore the graham cracker crumbs. it was a really long trip. i resorted to snacks often. 

I do believe that God has whispered His promises to me through messages from sweet friends, songs full of truth and His word. 

He whispered rather loudly as I read my Jesus Calling devotional today...He is helping me back on my feet after this news sent me reeling and reminding me to keep my eyes on Him, not the cliffs ahead. 

And, He used the words from a year and a half old blog post from one of my favorite authors and adoptive-mommas, Jen Hatmaker, to remind me today that He is not done yet. 

"If you are confused right now, if your story isn't going the way you thought, or if you're tangled up in the messy middle where hope is deferred, dear reader, it could just be that God isn't done yet. Your story is not finished. Every hero and heroine must wade through the conflict to get to the end, and you can trust God because he is good. If you have nothing else to cling to, remember this: God is good. He loves goodness and justice. He heals and redeems. He is on the side of love and beauty. He is for you. He is never against you. You may be against you, other people may be against you, but God is not against you."

I'm resting confidently in the promise that God is for my girl. He is for my family. And, He is good.