"remember My faithfulness"

This has not been my finest hour. I would like to be able to say that I am just standing firm in my faith and feeling confident as I keep my eyes on Jesus at all times during this adoption journey.

But, friends, today has been hard. Really hard.

I woke up to an email with news that S has malaria. Not just a runny nose or bronchitis {which she also has} but the scary, dreaded M word.

Dr. L visited the orphanage yesterday at the request of myself and a couple of other mommas with kiddos at the same orphanage and I felt confident that we would be getting a happy, healthy report. We even received a photo yesterday where S was *almost* smiling. I thought she looked happy for the first time since we have been receiving her photos.

And, then, today we got the medical report. I was floored and I took another look at the photo where I thought she may be smiling...and, this time, I noticed that I think she looks more like she is wincing and pulling back rather than smiling and happy. How could I have mistaken the two so easily?

On top of feeling overrun with worry, I'm fighting the nasty stomach bug that just won't go away. So, I'm barely able to lift myself off the couch to care for my boys and this news has sent me spinning. It's just too much for me. I want to crawl into a hole right now and stay there until we receive news that we have been cleared to get on that plane.

After the boys {mercifully without a fight} went down for naps, I took a shower and just sobbed. Am I the only one that ends up losing it in the shower? Never fails. The water just brings out the tears.

I started questioning everything. And pleading with God to show me that we are, in fact, in the center of His will and that we will know the victory that only He can bring.

I was softly reminded to read back through my notes from the recent Created for Care retreat.

The first page I opened to journaled my notes and thoughts from the last speaker on Sunday morning. Tona walked us through the story of Hagar in Genesis.

After Hagar ran away into the wilderness, frightened and afraid, the Lord so beautifully reminded her,

I see you.

I hear you and I am so sorry, this is hard.

I will be with you.

He didn't tie up her situation with a pretty bow and send her on her way. Yet, she was able to say in awe and reverence, "You are the God who sees me." {Genesis 16:13}

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there..."{Genesis 21:17}

The same God who heard the cries of Hagar's son, hears the cries of my sweet S.

He directed me right to these words in my notes...

We often forget the promises God has spoken over us when we feel hopeless. 

I hear the cries of S, right where she is.

Remember my faithfulness.

Powerful.

And, just to add a little additional comfort to my aching heart, I received two unexpected, dear cards in the mail from sweet friends assuring me that they are praying for our girl.

And, just as I started to type this post, I heard a knock on my door. Another friend dropped by a bag full of hair-bows and adorable girly girl hats to be sent to S's orphanage. I know all of the girls there will love these so much.

I'm continuing to pray steadfastly for S to be home in JUNE. Thank you all for joining me in this bold prayer. Will you please also say a prayer for her health and that she receives the life-giving medical treatment she needs? I cannot thank you enough for the prayers being lifted up on behalf of our girl. Mere words will never express my gratitude.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

{Hebrews 12:1-3}