raw.

i promise to {try to} write a well thought out and comprehensive post {that includes photos} of my experience at Created for Care. i will look back and review the pages and pages of notes and revelations from the Lord and i'll share all of the beauty and all of the hard and all of the hope. i'll take the time to process what i heard and felt and thought and *try* my hardest to articulate my thoughts here. i'll do all of that soon.

but, not today.

today, i can't resist sharing my raw emotions right where i am. in the midst of the processing and digesting and aching.

forewarning: there will be no eloquence here. this is just me and my computer and my emotions and my sheer exhaustion thinking and typing and wanting to capture these feelings before i step too far away and lose the fresh, uninhibited emotion of what i felt and experienced.

my biggest takeaway from this weekend is that God sent me to connect.

last year, i felt poured into. i felt treasured and loved and still in His awesome, mighty presence. i felt my Abba Father's arms around me, holding me with tenderness. whispering truth and love over my brokenness.

this year, i felt broken and raw. every session, every speaker, every story shared felt real. terrifyingly real. i had moments where i felt overwhelmed and had to step outside for fresh air. i felt grief and pain and loss and brokenness drape over me like a heavy, dark cloak. i cried out to my Father and asked why i was feeling all of these painful, uninvited, unwanted, unexpected emotions. this was supposed to be my weekend to be restored and refreshed and loved and still. why, God? why have you forsaken me? why can't i feel you near? why?

whispers...reminders...

our God is faithful.

He is mighty. He is trustworthy. He is strong. He is loving. He is tender. He speaks truth.

He showed me so very clearly that He wanted me right here this weekend for such a time as this. He is preparing me for my daughter. He is preparing me for her story. He is preparing the way. He goes before me, always.

my S is afraid. my S is alone. my S feels grief and pain and loss and brokenness. she did not expect or anticipate any of this. she did not ask for any of this.

He needed to break me in order to point me toward Him fully and completely. i cannot make this journey about me. it is about Him and it is about our cherished little girl and what He is doing to restore what is broken.

my God does NOT author pain. He grieves for my S. He holds her and protects her and loves her. He will make her story beautiful.

i am honored, humbled and overwhelmed to have been invited to perform a part in S's redemption story. i am merely a vessel to pour love; mighty, BIG, powerful, spiritual love into S. i cannot restore what has been broken. only my Jesus can heal. i can, however, surrender all that i am. i can believe that He is faithful. i can rest in His promises. i can step out in faith. i can wait in hope. i can love big.

i can connect with the incredible, God-fearing, world-changing mommas He has put in my life for this journey. this will not be an easy road. this road is broken and there are twists and turns and scary, dark places where our family must walk. this weekend, i was reminded that i will never, ever travel this road alone. my loving, trustworthy Heavenly Father is holding me steadfastly with His mighty right hand. And, my fighting-injustice with the same-heartbeat-as-mine friends are here standing beside me and covering my family in prayer with each step.

yes, indeed. i connected this weekend.

i connected to my loving, tender, merciful Savior.

i connected to my daughter's loss in a fresh, real way.

and, i connected to the mommas whose friendships have become treasured gifts.

i had the privilege of walking on beautiful, Holy ground this weekend. i glimpsed glory. i felt the power of the Holy Spirit in our midst. i cried tears of joy and pain and thanksgiving and praise.

i am forever changed.