january 16, 2012

yesterday was S's first birthday.

before i can share how we spent the day, i had to first share something i just realized when looking back to this day last year...

you see, a year ago to the day, I wrote my very first post on this blog {you can read it here}. i started this blog to document our family's memories and, most importantly, our adoption process. we had not yet announced our adoption plans {dave really wanted to wait until we were further down the path before we shared the news. meanwhile, i wanted to shout it from the rooftops the moment we applied to AGCI}, yet i had such a strong desire to start this blog even though i couldn't yet write about our adoption. i didn't know why i felt so strongly about it at the time. i had no idea why i felt like i needed to step out and just start documenting our life here. i did include a little teaser about what was happening in our family in that first post...

"I decided to start now as we embark on an exciting & overwhelming journey as a family."

mostly, i wrote about fear in that first post. fear of starting this little space on the internet...

"The excuses all lead to one place: Fear.

Four letters that are SO powerful. Satan uses fear to hold us back and to make us stand still. Gratefully, Jesus breaks us free of fear so that we can move forward to glorify Him and further His kingdom."

{i even included the fact that i was fearful of flying. which satan has used against me so recently to allow fear to grip me}. 

i love looking back to these words to see how {unbeknownst to me} they kicked off our adventure to our daughter...

"This life is not my own. I was carefully made by my loving Father in order to serve Him and to bring His light to the dark places in this world. He reminds me, “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, Abba, Father.” (Romans 8:15).

I love the Message’s version of that same verse: “This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?”

That’s exactly how I am feeling in this season of my life. Looking to my “Papa” to see what adventure he has in store for little ole’ me next!"

i've written so much about fear on this adoption journey. fear was the sole reason we almost turned away from fighting to get our S home. my words from that first post still resonate so deeply, one year later...

"I know that I am human and that overcoming fear and stepping out into a scary place is something that I will need to do again and again. Satan knows my “buttons” – he knows which ones to push and fear is a very easy one to start with. I am so grateful for my patient, loving Father who simply holds me in His embrace when I run back to Him time and time again crying out for help from the crippling effects of fear and worry."

and, then, i wrote this...

"With all that said, I want to use this blog as a way to share our little family’s journey with our friends and family. As a way to share how God is working in our lives. As a way to document the seemingly small and mundane happenings of our everyday life, that I know I will someday look back on and realize were the glorious and beautiful moments that make this life so very special."

and, i truly had NO idea how incredible this journey would be. i never fathomed that on the same date i hit "publish" for the very first time, our baby girl was born half a world away. 

a day that would forever shape our family.

it's no coincidence that i took a first step in overcoming one of my fears on that day. God was preparing my heart for what was to come. only He knew what a beautiful story was being written. He knew that S would need us to lay down our fears and trust wholly and completely in Him. He knew that there would be hard days on this journey and i would need to run to Him again and again.

"So, here I am. Taking a very small step in the direction that my Jesus has asked me to go. This is not earth shattering by any means, I get that. But it is me (once again) laying my fears, my worries, and my anxieties at the feet of my Savior. I am writing the words on my heart for you all to read if you so choose.  That’s just plain scary in my book."

i am once again in awe of how incredible the pieces of this life's puzzle are intricately designed by my loving, patient, trustworthy Heavenly Father. 

oh, and i promise to share more about our day yesterday in another post. we tried our best to celebrate our sweet girl. mostly, i just ached to have her home more than ever.